Sister Struggle

I am blessed to have two amazing, loving, beautiful, and supportive sisters. The oldest, April Joy, or we lovingly call "Ate Joy," is 13 years older than me. The second oldest, Marianne or "Ate Mae," is 12 years older than me. The age difference meant that while we lived in the Philippines during the first eight years of my life, my sisters helped take care of me. I remember when they were in high school, they brought me to school because they had some sort of field day where fast-food mascots came. My relationships with both sisters are different and evolved differently as well. 

Growing up, I saw Ate Joy as the mean and strict one. To describe her, she was studious, always obeyed our mom, organized, and clean. She had it her way because she was smart and knew everything, so we just followed. Ate Mae, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. She was a free spirit, a social butterfly, friends with everyone and anyone, had a very huge friend group, well-traveled, and a dancer. Her passion was dancing, and she thrived and succeeded in that. I would like to think that I am the perfect middle of both and possess a mixture of their characteristics. I can be fun, but I also know when it's time for business. 

My sisters knew that I was different; they knew since I was young that I was gay. They based it on my similarities with their gay friends. But for some reason, even if they knew so many gay folx in the Philippines, it seemed as though they were not a fan of me being gay. One day, I remember walking rather feminine, where my hips hit with every step as if I was walking down the catwalk. I remember my Ate Joy told me, "saanka man agkastakasta" or "can you not be like that?" I was young, and so I stopped.

Then when I was in the 8th-grade in Hawai`i, I was cast as the Evil Stepmother for our after-school program's Drama Club. To play the part, I wanted to not just act it, but dress as is too. So I looked through my mom's clothes and her heels. When she saw me trying them on, she said, "are you not ashamed? do you see guys wear that?" I was heartbroken and sad. Knowing how she felt about me and my identity was hard. Her words became something that was engraved in my head and I was hurt. It was like hot coal and I was just holding on to it. I became resentful towards her and my walls were up when it came to her. I grew irritable and almost always felt like I needed to fight because I was not being loved. To me, my sister not accepting me for who I am is my sister not loving me. But I was wrong.

When I decided to write this blog post, I knew I needed to ask her the question I never thought I would ask because it would bring to surface the negative and resentful feelings I had towards her. But this was the conversation we needed to have. I asked Ate Joy how she felt when she knew I was gay, and she told me that she didn't want people to judge me because of how gay folx are perceived. She was simply looking out for me in ways I just did not understand then. In the Philippines, people made fun of gay folx. They laughed and mocked the way they walked and talked, and ridiculed at their "lifestyle." The Philippines, in a nutshell, is far behind in supporting and ensuring that the LGBTQ+ community feels safe and comfortable wherever they go. On my recent trip to the Philippines, I went out with my family to the casino, but we were not allowed inside because I was wearing a dress. Apparently, the dress code states that people who are born male must wear male clothing. And when my cousins and I went to the supermarket, I saw people at a distance laugh and point at me, wearing a dress. Another person pulled out their phone and recorded me. But I carried on and continued to live my day and my life authentically. 

However, Ate Joy saw my strength in the daily struggles of being a gay person in a world full of hate. She saw how people have come to accept me for who I am and allowed me to show up in places authentically me. Her fear for me withered away when I told her that no one was making fun of me and that people respected me as a person, the work I do, and the gifts and talents I had to offer. I assured her that my Catholic University makes me feel welcomed and a sense of belonging. Our relationship has changed so much since I learned her perspective and that she was simply looking out for me. We have gotten much closer and support each other's endeavors. I am her personal editor, and she sometimes helps me with my finances. 

This blog post is published on October 11: National Coming Out Day. Thirty-three years ago, people who believed in Lesbian and Gay Rights marched on Washington. Recognizing the importance of giving safe space for LGBTQ+ folx to come out and be their most authentic self. I don't have a "coming out story," but I do have a story of love and acceptance. I hope that one day, this world will only be filled with people like my Ate Joy and Ate Mae who are loving, caring, protective, and nurturing. As many of our LGBTQ+ siblings still sit in dark closets because they fear prosecution, I urge you to show your ally-ship and friendship. Be kind to every person you encounter, love them, and ensure that they can comfortably confide in you and the company you can offer. With love and kindness, I believe that we can help diminish hate, cure sadness/loneliness, and help decrease LGBTQ+ suicide and homeless rates. 

Until next time,

M.