Faithful and Gay

For me, this is probably one of the most challenging things to write about at this time of divide. The conversations regarding this topic have been approached more politically than humane. I invite you, as St. Benedict writes in the first words of his Rule to "Listen with the ear of your heart." I hope that after reading this, your love for me does not change and that you seek to understand where I am coming from, than to try and persuade me, debate with me, or belittle me. I do not speak for other LGBTQ+ members or speak for the other faithful LGBTQ+ members, but I firmly believe that my story is not one hundred percent unique. To a certain extent, it resonates with many members of the LGBTQ+. They were turned or have turned away because of how they identify.

In my most recent blog about the women in my life, you learned about my aunt. She taught me how to pray the rosary in Ilokano, Tagalog, and English. I was raised in a Catholic home. We had an altar that held crucifixes, images, and statues of Saints, Jesus, St. Joseph, and the Blessed Mother. I did not just grow up seeing these statues, and I grew up to believe in them because of the stories in the Bible. My aunt, a devoted Catholic, gets called to pray at gatherings and funerals embedded in my brain the importance of our faith. I never questioned it and to this day believe in the triune God and the Church. I say that with confidence and pain because I know if I did not navigate my life the way that I did, churches would not be a welcoming space for me. 

I don't think it is a secret that I am not straight. I am not attracted to women and would be classified as a gay person in the LGBTQ+ community. Yet, I believe in God, practice my faith, and serve in the churches I am a part of. However, it seems as though not many LGBTQ+ people who are out like me feel that sense of welcome in the churches that they enter. They see and feel that ridicule when they enter spaces of worship. They recognize the stares that they get when they wear something that is "not" for their assigned sex at birth. They hear the whispers of comments about how they act and walk. I am no stranger to this feeling. When I was taking classes to receive the Sacrament of First Holy Communion, I needed to stand in front of the congregation at my parish. I was wearing skinny khaki pants and flats. In the front pew was a lady who looked at me from head to toe, rolled her eyes, and whispered to the person next to her, pointing at the lower half of my body. I felt that shame and guilt and did not return to church until I had appropriate church shoes "for male." It did not turn me away from the church because I was not there for her or the people who stare, snicker, laugh, and ridicule, but I was there for God, who I believe loves me. 

Thomas Merton OCSO was an American Trappist monk, writer, theologian, mystic, poet, social activist, and comparative religion scholar. He wrote a book entitled Silence, Joy (1928). In that book, he wrote, "So much depends on our idea of God! Yet no idea of Him, however pure or perfect, is adequate to express Him as He really is. Our idea of God tells us more about ourselves than about him." This means because we have not met God, we only know of him the stories we read and hear and have these conceptions of who He is. Fortunately for me, many people in my life embedded in me a God who is a loving and kind Father figure who listens to ALL of his children.

I believe that God is present in every person I encounter. Luckily for me, all I have encountered embody the God that I know who is loving and kind. One day in high school, after gaining the courage, I finally told a priest I knew I was gay. His response was short but meaningful. He said, "If being you allow people to see God, who is Love in you, then live your life." I was caught off guard that the man who celebrates the Mass told me this. But with gratitude, I took it as the church transforming to be more welcoming and loving towards people like me. As I became more and more active in the church, people seemed to have continued to welcome me with open arms and made me feel like I belong in the church. I continue to feel that today, yet sometimes, I feel so at odds and feel like I do not belong nor feel wholly welcomed by the Church. 

Pope Francis has called for parishes to be more welcoming to the LGBTQ+ community members, and I celebrated that. In an interview, he was asked about priests who were gay, and he answered, "If a person is gay, and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?" I am again so optimistic that the Holy Father recognizes and uses the word gay and God in one positive sentence. I felt like I was welcomed, I was loved, and I knew in my heart that God is real and that God is loving and kind. However, most recently, the church came out with a doctrine that states that the Church cannot bless a same-sex union. I am challenged by this because if God is love, and two people have consensual love, are they not showing God's AGAPE love to each other because they are in a same-sex union? Moreover, how can you accept me, a gay person, to walk and serve in churches, yet I cannot express the love and loving heart God gave me to my significant other? Yes, I recognize the church's teaching on homosexuality, marriage between one man and one woman, and that the Bible talked about a boy and a man sleeping together, which then brings into question: Is the love between two people of the same sex not love? Is it true that the original biblical text did not talk about homosexuality but instead spoke about pedophilia? And if people of Faith believe that being gay is unnatural and new, then how would the Bible talk about something that did not exist yet in its time?

These are my challenges as a Gay Catholic and something that I battle with every day of my life. Yet, I remain faithful because again, to me, God is a loving God, and I hold that in my heart every day. I hope that those who are faithful and are heterosexuals seek to love first instead of judge others. To remain faithful to the call of God to love our neighbor because it is unconditional. It did not say, love your straight neighbor. He meant our neighbors regardless of who they are, where they are from, and what they bring to the table. My greatest prayer is that love conquers all things and that what we show to every person is the love that God reveals and bestows upon us. 1 John 4:7 NABRE states, "Beloved, let us love one another, because love is God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God." 

To my LGBTQ+ friends challenged by faith, I encourage you to see God in a light that does not include the modern understandings and what people portray him as. See God based on how you have interacted with him either spiritually or through your encounter with people. I recognize the trauma you may already have because of the negative interactions you have had with people who are faithful yet shot words of hatred about you and us. Yet I want you to know the God I know: loving and kind. Find people within your church who embody your definition of a loving God and surround yourself with their positive faithfulness. When I did, I felt whole, welcomed, loved, and respected. 

Before I wrote this, did you love me? Now that you have a better understanding of who I am, do you still love me? If your answer is yes, do you show that love to other LGBTQ+ people you do not know? If your answer is no, peace be with you.

Until next time,

M.