No, We're Not Together



For most of my life, I struggled a lot with having straight male friends. It wasn't that I did not want to be friends with them; they did not want to be friends with me. Though it wasn't really shared, I could tell and have always known that it was because of my sexual orientation.

Straight boys (no, they're not men) have isolated me and did not want to be associated with me because they did not want people to think that they, too, were gay. Especially when I was in elementary school, boys never wanted to be in small groups with me or include me in "boy things." Of course, there were many times when boys would tease me for being gay and use my sexual orientation as a joke or an insult towards other boys. "Go to your boyfriend Mc Erl," one would say, or "Mc Erl, ____ likes you!" Because of this, most of my friends growing up were girls.

I struggled to befriend guys because they did not understand what it means to be gay. Being ostracized because I did not check out the girls or do "guy things" was not something I wanted. It wasn't until high school when I finally found the "good guys" who saw me beyond my sexuality and accepted me as a friend. They saw me as a person and someone they could hang out with and be seen with. That, to me, was huge. It was important because it helped me navigate through high school and live my true and most authentic self. 

However, one story of friendship stands out. In January 2017, as I was settling back on campus for the Spring semester, I learned of a new Hawai`i student who just transferred to Saint Martin's. He is from the island of Maui and a track athlete. His name is Zachary. I loved having more people from Hawai`i join our growing community because it helped make Saint Martin's feel more of a home. Coincidentally, one of my residence hall neighbors has already met him and already had a crush on him too. Let's hide her in the name, Marissa.

After meeting him and spending some time with people on campus, I began to see him more often because of mutual friends and connections. I learned more about him; Marissa was just really into him. I went to the homecoming dance with Marissa, and we both saw Zach there. Marissa told me that Zach is cute and that she was really interested. So I went up to Zach, got his Snapchat, and I guess you could say the rest is history. Because Zach and Marissa were now dating, the inevitable happened. Zach and I got closer. We hung out together, and I became the proud third-wheel. We would get dinners, go shopping, and attend school functions together. We supported each other in EVERYTHING, both school, and extracurricular activities. In their relationship, I was that middle person. They both would ask me what to get each other as gifts or if what they got was good enough. I know quite a lot... too much. LOL.

The summer before our Sophomore year, Zach and I got closer and hung out a lot more than usual. We had our own dinners, got haircuts together, and go to the gym too. Whenever we went out, we got the look, and sometimes, if people are brave enough, make the assumptions that we were a couple. Needless to say, one cannot miss my sexual orientation, and well, Zach's skinny jeans can make him "sus," to say the least. But obviously, we weren't together, we are best friends-- the brother I never had is the best way to put it. He's that one person who understood whatever I meant and kept me in check when I was not in the best place/mindset or straying away. He is constant.

Zach is special. He looked beyond my gender identity/sexual orientation, became my friend, sought to learn about me, and invested in our friendship. He did not allow people's perceptions to stop him from being friends or being seen with me. These are just some of the reasons why he is special. As a gay person, I am lucky to have him because many guys out there are not like that. Many do not want to be associated with gay people because they fear being perceived as gay or even have their "masculinity" tainted by this thought.

To the straight guys out there, look beyond the sexual orientation and gender identity of people. I promise we are more than how we identify and can be one of your best friends. We are not here to convert you or turn you gay; we simply seek to grow our circle of friends. With the alarming suicide rates among LGBTQ+ folx, I charge you to be open-minded. Be open to friendships with gay folx because sometimes friendships may be the only thing left to save them from their suicidal thoughts. 

Zach, thank you for being the best straight friend I could ask for. You have been a constant person in my life and have saved me more than you will ever know. Thank you for your honest and genuine friendship. I am so grateful for it and for you. You are a blessing. I hope that your 23rd birthday is as amazing as you because you deserve nothing but the best. I look forward to the many more adventures we'll have and the fun that is yet to come. Happy birthday, anakko. Hope to see you soon! I love you! 

Until Next Time,

M.

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