Where are you from, where is home?

Up until my secondary education, being asked where I am from was simple. Depending on the conversation context, I either said Laoag City, Philippines, or Waipahu. I say it depends because sometimes we are in conversation about where we are from in the Philippines while other times, it is banter as to which city on Oahu is the best.

However, it wasn't until I left Hawai`i and moved to college that answering where I am from and where is home became difficult to answer. It's not that I forgot about my roots in the Philippines or suddenly did not want to represent the city where I lived in Hawai`i. It is the feeling of not being Filipino enough or not being from Hawai`i because I was not born there. I was unsure what to say whenever people asked where I was from, even more so when I was asked, "where is home?" Home is such a tricky word because I have always been so fortunate to have had a place with people in it that I could call my home, but still, I was left torn. Do I say I am from the Philippines because I was born there, or do I call it my home because most of my family reside there? At the same time, do I have the right to say I am from Hawai`i, knowing I was not born there? Could I even call it home, considering that it is home to Native Hawaiians who were and are continuously displaced?

I often contemplated the answer to where I am from and where home is because, in a liberal arts college, people come from all walks of life. International students, out-of-state students, and in-state students bring a lot of uniqueness to the college-- their gifts and talents along with their wealth of experiences that only they can share with the greater community. So, I reflected on what I had to share, what I know, and the experiences I can share. A lot of my experiences were about living in Hawai`i. To a certain extent, that is fine, but was I being an impostor and portraying something that I was not because I was missing a part of my identity as a Filipino immigrant?

I could not come into terms with representing just one part of me, as a Hawai`i State ID holding individual occupying space in the land of Native Hawaiians. However, I spent most of my life in Hawai`i, and the culture shaped my experiences, learning, and understanding of life and my place in it. Which left me to believe that I was not Filipino enough, and the idea of not being Filipino enough haunted me. I am proud to say I was born in the Philippines because even when my family lived in Hawai`i, most of my values and upbringing were rooted in the Filipino culture, experiences, and traditions. I went to Mass weekly, danced at family gatherings, enjoyed karaoke, and loved my mom's Filipino food. Stereotypical, I know. But where I felt that I was not Filipino enough was my lack of knowledge of its history, culture, and traditions, but I knew the history and traditions of Hawai`i. I felt that what I had was a mere glimpse of what the Philippines is. Yes, I visit the Philippines, but I am not exposed to much other than family and places to visit in a month. I was not actively learning about the country and the culture because the trip was meant to reunite with family we didn't see for years. How does one seek to learn about a country when my humble liberal arts college away from many Filipinos, Filipino courses, and Asian Pacific history were not often offered. The idea of reading different books and literature on top of assigned texts was overwhelming, so of course, I kicked it under a rug. 

In college, a Filipino club existed, but for some reason, I did not seem to identify with the club, so much that I did not seek to involve myself in the club. However, I found a sense of comfort in the Hawai`i Club, probably because many of the people I hung out with were more interested in being a part of the Hawai`i Club than the Filipino Club. They, too, are Filipino and from Hawai`i. I did not know anyone to go with to the meetings, so I consciously chose not to go. Even more so, I felt that I was not being a real Filipino. However, being Filipino was not something that I forgot about. I did not just suddenly not be Filipino; I just found it hard to live out my life as a Filipino individual because, well, I felt I did not know enough to do so. I wore Barong Tagalogs at events and functions for school, but I knew deep in my heart that being Filipino meant more than just wearing garments from the Philippines and eating Filipino food. It is more than just visiting the country every few years. But, it was also about celebrating and sharing the culture. I have failed my people, but I am learning and growing. In my senior year of college, with more of my friends actively participating in the Filipino club beyond the Lumpia night and Halo-Halo nights, I attended events, functions and helped when needed. I owed it to them and my people in the Philippines.

Understanding my intersectionality allowed me to understand my place in the world and my place in the cultures that raised me to be where I am today. Whenever asked where I am from, I now have an answer, which I am satisfied with today. Now I say, "I was born in the Philippines, but Hawai`i is home." I say Hawai`i is home because much of my understanding of home was there. I do not forget my roots in the Philippines, where my family and I came from. However, I cannot miss addressing the culture and place that raised me, which is Hawai`i.

I think the question should change to "where is your family from, and where is home?" At least at that point, one can express their family's roots while recognizing the place they consider home. I hope this question allows one to share their family's origins with the world while not forgetting the home that raised them and they most identify with.

So, where is your family from, and where is home?

Until next time,

M.